jueves, 19 de septiembre de 2013

On how NOT to lose weight...

You know how my description says "Forever trying to lose weight?"

Well I can't make a post on how to lose weight (yet, someday though :)) But I CAN make a post on how NOT to lose weight.

I know what you're thinking, and how is this useful to me? Well, by learning all my easy steps on how NOT lose weight and doing the opposite, maybe you can lose weight. My method is GARRANTEED. If you do not lose weight doing the OPPOSITE of my method...then I am sorry, you are not doing things right. YAY! I told you it would be useful to you ;).

1. Buy Nutella and eat spoonfuls of it as snack everyday while laying on your bed watching your favorite series until you finish the whole jar. The more spoonfuls you eat a day, the better. If your dog wants you to share DON'T. One, because nutella is not good for them because of the whole chocolate thing (even if it has little amounts). Two, because you cannot share your Nutella for my method to work.

2. Do not exercise. Go for walks once or twice a week and walk around a mile each time. A little exercise is better than no exercise right? Right.

3. Always buy take out. Unless your mom had any left overs you can take for work.

4. ALWAYS eat breakfast. Yes this is correct; this is an important step for NOT losing weight. For breakfast drink a frappe coffee drink from Starbucks or whichever coffee place you prefer. You can ask for light milk, this will not make a difference in not losing weight because you will still get all the yummy sugar in the drink. Accompany your frappe with a cupcake or a burrito, sometimes both, the more the merrier.

5. It is important NOT to skip ANY meal during the day. Please eat at least four meals a day for my method to work correctly. What is a meal you're asking? Well...we already talked about breakfast. All the sugary goods. For a morning snack feel free to eat whatever you'd like cookies, chips or you can mix things up with an apple or some other healthy stuff. This is a sacrifice, I know, but it is optional.

For lunch please enjoy the quesadillas from the lady at work, or any other food she decides to make that day. If you decide to go out to pick up lunch at work you can eat the really good Chinese food by your work, or that really unhealthy "salad" that has a really big base of white rice. You can also choose from any of the pastas your local market offers. You can accompany this meal with chips and a soda if you're feeling it. Your soda can be regular or diet. It doesn't really matter, soda is soda. YUM.

When you get home, be sure to eat a plate of whatever your mom made for lunch that day. I am going to take advantage of this space to teach you some culture on Mexico. In Mexico most people don't move out of their parent's house until they are married, moved to another city or decided to live with someone. You're welcome, now you know one more thing about Mexico.

Be sure to make yourself some dinner if you are not going out with friends that day (which I will be discussing more of on my next point). But I already ate a little earlier you say? What did I say earlier about not skipping any meals? Please eat at least four meals a day. Thank you.

6. When your friends ask you to go somewhere, leave all your exercising plans aside and go. But my plans are at 8pm and get out at 4pm from work so I can exercise in between? Naa but that would involve me taking another shower during the day. Plus maybe there is something more exciting to do like...watch tv, lay in bed, play with the dogs, read, you can always find something else to do.

7. When you go out to a restaurant/bar/movies/other think YOLO. YOLO? Yes, that annoying catch phrase teenagers now a days use to say You only live once, like we didn't know that before, unless you believe in rebirth or something. Should I get the popcorn and soda or iced coffee at the movies? YOLO. Should I buy the salad or the hamburger at the restaurant? YOLO. Should I go to starbucks today? YOLO. Should I eat dinner again? YOLO. You can then proceed to feel a little disgusting with yourself for writing YOLO so many times, like I am feeling right now.

****Let's pause a second for a little real advice. Please do not use the word YOLO, please do not hashtag it on Facebook. Now that we are on hashtags..if you must use a hashtag..please use only one, two TOPS and it's kind of pushing it. Please do not make your hash tags miles long. Please do not make a hashtag for #every #word #you #write. I wanted you to see how gross it looks. I am sorry you had to see that, it won't happen again. At least on my blog or pictures or anything I upload. You can do that but we will not be friends..or maybe we will be but I will read your post looking like this:

Not my best picture I know and it is all your fault for making me make that face when I could be making this sexy face while reading your post:

See, this is why you shouldn't use too many hashtags. I assure you I am not the only one making that face haha Anyways...

I think these points are all the wrong advice I can give you for now but if I come up with more I will be sure to let you know ;)

On a more serious approach, I did lose more than 25 pounds once and the following is basically what I learned from that:

Always eat what you like, but be open to trying new things. Always remember you are not a magical being that can eat everything she wants and not gain weight. Always remember not to get too carried away by what you want at the moment vs what you want in life (this applies to other situations too).

You do not have to eat just salads all day everyday to lose weight, moderation is key. Don't stop eating, this will only induce binge eating or eating the first thing you find instead of making the right choices. 

Exercise. You do not have to kill yourself in the gym to lose weight. Walking does work. Always have fun. Remember weight is not the most important thing in life, you are worth so much more than your weight.

It is so easy to let yourself go and really hard to get back on track. It is not impossible though and very worth it. 

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