Election Day

Last night the four of us sat on the bed looking at the election results. I am posting this because I never want to forget the day that history was made. I remember telling my one year old, soon to be two, today the United States makes history. At that point we were not sure if it was good or bad.

As the night progressed things were not looking very good. Dylan wanted to watch Elmo (Apo to him) like always, but we needed to know what was going on. We saw Donald Trump was on the lead and things were not changing. More and more states were marking red. I made a status on Facebook saying he was winning and people were still hopefully, asking me to have faith in people but I somehow knew in my gut, he was going to win.

I read a post a few months back where Michael Moore explained why he was going to win, I didn't want to believe him at the time but his reasons made so much sense. We were doomed. At about 10 pm we decided to call it quits and try to fall asleep, it seemed to be decided at that point. Woke up at 7:30 and woke my husband up. He looked at his phone and said "Donald Trump won". I felt my heart sink and tears started running down my face. My eyes are watering as I write this.

It was the gloomiest of days, Nov 9th, a day I will never forget. I had not been this sad in a while. I felt so betrayed by my fellow Americans. Being Mexican is no longer ok in the United States, especially in somewhere like Arizona. I made a sad post, there were a lot of people that sympathized and felt the same way. But then I started seeing posts that seemed to be directed at my post. Not sure if it was just because it was such a delicate subject, but it felt like I was being stabbed in the back.

This day is almost over at 8:59pm. The big emotions are all gone, I am in a sad but calm state. We shall see what this president brings us. I am trying to be positive, but I am not there yet. Hopefully it's all good though.

May God Bless us all.

To my boys: I knew I loved you before I met you

You are both so perfect. Your mama loves you SO much.

Dylan:

You came to light up my life. I never imagined I could feel so complete and happy. Knowing I was pregnant with you came as quite the shock, I didn't feel ready, it did not seem like the appropriate time. Sometimes life gives you what you need and I needed you so much in my life. I was starting to feel like I was missing something in my life, I had a void and that void was you. You are such a spunk. You have so much personality. You are hilarious. How you imitate the dogs, they are your best friends, especially Chita. You love to take them on walks and walk chita. You love to dance, you love bubbles and the wii, even thoughyou can't play. You love pressing every button in the house and turning everything on and off. You love to pour (waste) water in cups. You love to look out the window and it makes me sad I can't take you out more because it's summer right now and we would melt. You throw soo many tantrums now it's ridiculous. Sometimes you get the best of me and your daddy but we love you no matter what. You take your shoes everytime we're in the car. You understand and speak both Spanish and english. You clap for yourself after yoe accomplishments because that is what we taught you. You yell daddy, all.day.long. Words you say include agua, bravo, daddy, mama, atis (chita), eee (iii in spanish) which means mira, there's more but I can't remember right now because it's late. I love you.

Logan:

You are just the sweetest baby I have ever met. You are so patient and you have the sweetest smile. I can tell there is so much kindness in your heart. I fall more in love with you each and every day. Even though I was hoping for a girl, as I always am, I always, always knew you were a boy. I have to admit I was scared of the second child as I am always seeing people say that the first one is the "easy" one. We shall see but you are just so sweet and adorable. Thank you for coming to my life and filling up my heart even more. You sleep a.lot. mommy loves you for it because you let her sleep. You sleep 5-6 hrs straight. You hated your bassinet and like the pack and play that we had to put blankets in. You are a perfect eater, we did not have to use a nipple shield or anything like with your brother. You take both formula and boob but you prefer your boob. You smile at us now!! At a month and a half. The first time I saw your smile I cried. As I did the first time I saw you.

Your births were so different. I was so tired and in disbelief when Dylan was born. I was a lot more awake with Logan's c-section. Until they gave me antinausea meds and they didn't help and made me SO drowsy, I can't remember much of the first night. With Dylan I couldn't believe I was a mother, it was such a shock, it's hard to describe. Second time I was a lot more conscious and knew what to expect. The next day after Dylan was born I almost didn't remember having a baby, even though I was holding him the whole time. Anyways, I'm babbling.

You both are my world. Thank you to your daddy and God for giving you to me. Thank you for choosing me to be your mama.

Love, your mamita

Big life changes

So I wrote this huge post about life changes and blogger suddenly stopped and it all got erased...........I am a liiiiiittle upset right now :(

Maybe later I will re-write it.

Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014.

I tried to make a picture for my title today

It did not go well hahaha I am not very talented with drawing on my computer...or drawing in general. If I have a drawing/picture to base my drawing on, let's just say I don't suck.

My weight is going down and I am very happy about that. I have lost the incredible amount of 4kg/8lb. I am not even kidding when I say it's incredible and I am so very happy about it. :D

By the way, I had a little teeny tiny breakdown on Sunday when my competitor wanted to quit our bet. I have been working so hard to actually lose weight and it was actually working but she was complaining too much. Just because she had had a bad week. At first I told her that we had made a deal, and of course there had to be a loser in a bet and if she thought she was winning, she would have never wanted to give up. At the end though, I just thought she was a bad competitor and it would be better for me to continue this journey on my own. I got really discouraged by how she was handling it.

It was really good for me to start though and prove to myself that I can lose weight and there is nothing wrong with my body and if I really make an effort I can even lose weight fast. SELF HIGH FIVE!!!............ I know....that was a little dumb.........I promise to never high five myself again.

On monday I tried working out with youtube videos. It was funner than I remember. Maybe I am already starting to enjoy this exercise thing a little bit. When I was 17 I used to go to hawaiian/tahitian dance lessons. I had never been really good at coordination or remebering all the steps in any other of my dance classes (doesn't mean that I enjoyed them any less) but when I started taking these classes I felt like they were meant for me. I was finally good at dancing. Anyways, I looked for Tahitian/Hawaiian cardio and I found these really great videos. I felt really good doing them and by the end I was sweating a lot. 

Since they weren't very long (like 30 minutes I think) I decided to look for some videos for my arms. I did a Tracy Anderson video. It was a little crazy but it was really hard to hold my arms up and she said on the video it was really effective, so I am going to go ahead and believe her. 

I looked for some other videos and tried this really weird dancing which I never really understood the steps to, so by the end I was just walking/jumping around my room moving my arms not even trying to follow the "choreography" anymore and it was about an hour of working out by then so I decided I had exercised enough for the day haha. 

Yesterday my day was ruined by my phone company because they're over charging me like 50 dlls. They didn't activate one of my free numbers to call and basically told me I made up calling them to activate it in the first place. I was so VERY upset and one of my friends called me to go to starbucks. I told  her I was really mad and probably would not be good company but she insisted on us going anyways. Oh starbucks <3 I can always count on you to make my day better. When I got there I had a free drink and I felt like it was a gift from God. 

Anyways, I am out of work. 

Hugs from Mexico!

Becoming ok with Discomfort. (a long post)

I am a failure. I am used to failure. Failure sometimes even makes me happy. I am ok with failure. I don't really try hard changing it. I am talking about failure when losing weight. Why do I admittedly call myself a failure losing weight? Because it's true, and I have to be honest with myself. I love food. I wish I didn't have to exercise a day in my life. I would be COMFORTABLE sitting at home eating whatever I want all afternoon. I've done that. I've lived that. I have been ok with that most of my life.

Failure sometimes makes me happy. Food is such a pleasure to me. I think about it a lot. I would say I am in love with food. It's like when you have a boyfriend or a guy you like you can't stop thinking about and sometimes, you have to have it. Same thing happens to me with food. I start craving something and I could think about it all day. Sometimes when I eat it, it makes me so happy. Other times, not so much, either it's not what I remember, what I picture in my head or I feel guilty.

Remember that bet I made? Well this weekend I didn't really think about it much. I did eat less than usual. But I don't think I ate one piece of vegetable this weekend. Monday came along and the last thing I wanted to do was go for my walk/jog. I wanted some ice cream and I had to have it. I did. It was good. Only ok to be honest. 

Monday night I got a message from my friend who I am doing the bet with and my head pictured the pizza I ate this weekend; the delicious Frappuccino I drank on Saturday at the movies (which I ate healthy all day for), and of course, the damn ice cream I had just finished eating. O.O I started panicking again and I promised myself Tuesday would be better. 

Yesterday was pretty decent. I ate two eggs in the morning with some milk. I had a salad for lunch, but it had white rice in it. An apple in the afternoon and Tuna salad for dinner. I went for my walk/jog and did a little bit of zumba (like 15 minutes lol). I remembered all the rice I had with the salad at lunch and thought again about how I am not doing well enough.

Today I had again 2 eggs for breakfast, some coffee and lentil soup for lunch. I still think I am not doing good enough and I am becoming a little obsessed. I keep remembering my friends that have lost a lot of weight and how they never feel like they have done good enough. How they exercise a lot, watch everything they eat. I started getting anxiety because I am not running enough or because walking doesn't help me that much.

Then I read this:

Become OK with Discomfort. The fear of discomfort is huge — it causes people to be stuck in their old bad habits, to not start the business they want to start, to be stuck in a job they don’t really like, because we tend to stick to the known and comfortable rather than try something unknown and uncomfortable. It’s why many people don’t eat vegetables or exercise, why they eat junk, why they don’t start something new. But we can be OK with discomfort, with practice. Start with things that are a little uncomfortable, and keep expanding your comfort zone.

12 Indispensable Mindful Living Tools

By Leo Babauta

The reason why I am not feeling like I am making a difference is because I am not comfortable losing weight. I have never been good at it, why should I not eat whatever I want when I want it? Why should I HAVE to exercise if it's not something I truly like?

Sure once you get used to it you start to enjoy it, but it's so much easier to stay at home or go out with your friends. Why should I live to other people's expectations and not only my own? If I love eating I should be able to eat. If I am comfortable with my weight I should be able to stay this way. If I don't like exercising I shouldn't have to.

Except none of it's true. Sure I feel comfortable eating whatever eating whatever I want and not exercising but I am not comfortable with the consequences they represent.

- I am not comfortable with my weight.

- I am not comfortable with how I look with this weight.

- I am not comfortable not wearing whatever I want.

- I am not comfortable with how I feel when you don't exercise, lazy and depressed.

- I am not comfortable with people treating me differently because I am overweight (because this is a reality, people do not treat you the same when you are overweight).

- I am not comfortable with the insecurities being overweight brings you, like doubting a guy will like you because of your weight (and it happens, for various reasons, some understandable {I think even I've thought sometimes}, others not so much).

-  I am not comfortable with the health issues this weight will bring me in the future.

-  I am not comfortable with the health issues it already has brought me (like my knees hurting, or my ankles when I try to jog or the fact that it makes it harder for me to jog.

- I am not comfortable with how I look in pictures in my current weight.

Among other things I guess but these are the ones I can think of at the moment. 

Ever since I decided to do this bet I have visualized myself winning. I have never ever pictured myself losing. When I've told other people about it they ask why did you do it? That's a lot of money! I know it's a lot of money but for me it's not really about the money, it's about proving myself I can win. I can dedicate myself to this for long enough to win this bet and not only this bet but to change the rest of my life.

Understanding that the food I love is not something I am giving up and exercise isn't something I am forced to do. But I am making sacrifices so I can have it all. So I can feel comfortable with how I look, feel and my health as well.

Sacrifices cause discomfort, but they are worth it. Life is full of things we sometimes have to do for other positive things to come along.

Right now I may not be good at losing weight and I might consider it one of the struggles in my life, but that doesn't mean I will always fail at losing weight. Failing is part of life, you learn from it, you grow with it, it makes you stronger and more capable. Someday I will win. In fact, I feel like I am winning right this second. ;)

Hugs from Mexico,

Rocío.

Time passes by faster than you realize.

I rememeber this time last year. Whenever I look back it seems closer than it really is, a year has come and gone since I discovered the blogging world. I remember I used to think blogging was for weirdos, I had no idea what people would write on a blog or why they would share it with the world.

I remember having this friend who told me he blogged, I looked at him funny and asked him "What do you blog about?". He said "Oh you know, just thoughts and life". I thought it was so weird, I checked his blog once. WEIRD. I can't even remember what it was about.

Anyways, who would have thought blogs would be such a big part of my life? Because they are. Even though I don't write that often, I read blogs almost everyday.

Life can change so much in just one year, even if you don't notice big changes, when you  look back, you realize almost everything has changed.

Last year at this time my life was so different, I had different goals, I wanted different things for myself and I was so ceirtain of what I wanted. I was in a long distance relationship and was sure I wanted to spend my life with him. I had no idea how we would adapt our differences together. I was unsure if I would feel comfortable living away from my family and friends and from the culture I love. It was scary, but I was so sure.

This year, I am not certain of anything, my goals have changed (well some at least)  and though my life is uncertain, I feel like I am on the right path now. I don't know where this path will lead me but it feels so much better than the one I was going through last year. It feels so much more adequate for me, for who I am and for what I want for my life. I feel relief, because even though I have no idea where I will be, or what I will be doing a year from now, right now I am happy, and that is all that matters. NOW.

I have spent so much time planning my future and things never turn out like you plan them. Everytime things don't turn out like you want them to it is a blessing. Maybe you don't see it at the time, but once time has passed, you understand why things happen and smile as you look back.

Hugs from Mexico.

Rocío :)