miércoles, 6 de noviembre de 2013

Becoming ok with Discomfort. (a long post)

I am a failure. I am used to failure. Failure sometimes even makes me happy. I am ok with failure. I don't really try hard changing it. I am talking about failure when losing weight. Why do I admittedly call myself a failure losing weight? Because it's true, and I have to be honest with myself. I love food. I wish I didn't have to exercise a day in my life. I would be COMFORTABLE sitting at home eating whatever I want all afternoon. I've done that. I've lived that. I have been ok with that most of my life.

Failure sometimes makes me happy. Food is such a pleasure to me. I think about it a lot. I would say I am in love with food. It's like when you have a boyfriend or a guy you like you can't stop thinking about and sometimes, you have to have it. Same thing happens to me with food. I start craving something and I could think about it all day. Sometimes when I eat it, it makes me so happy. Other times, not so much, either it's not what I remember, what I picture in my head or I feel guilty.

Remember that bet I made? Well this weekend I didn't really think about it much. I did eat less than usual. But I don't think I ate one piece of vegetable this weekend. Monday came along and the last thing I wanted to do was go for my walk/jog. I wanted some ice cream and I had to have it. I did. It was good. Only ok to be honest. 

Monday night I got a message from my friend who I am doing the bet with and my head pictured the pizza I ate this weekend; the delicious Frappuccino I drank on Saturday at the movies (which I ate healthy all day for), and of course, the damn ice cream I had just finished eating. O.O I started panicking again and I promised myself Tuesday would be better. 

Yesterday was pretty decent. I ate two eggs in the morning with some milk. I had a salad for lunch, but it had white rice in it. An apple in the afternoon and Tuna salad for dinner. I went for my walk/jog and did a little bit of zumba (like 15 minutes lol). I remembered all the rice I had with the salad at lunch and thought again about how I am not doing well enough.

Today I had again 2 eggs for breakfast, some coffee and lentil soup for lunch. I still think I am not doing good enough and I am becoming a little obsessed. I keep remembering my friends that have lost a lot of weight and how they never feel like they have done good enough. How they exercise a lot, watch everything they eat. I started getting anxiety because I am not running enough or because walking doesn't help me that much.

Then I read this:

12 Indispensable Mindful Living Tools

The reason why I am not feeling like I am making a difference is because I am not comfortable losing weight. I have never been good at it, why should I not eat whatever I want when I want it? Why should I HAVE to exercise if it's not something I truly like?
Sure once you get used to it you start to enjoy it, but it's so much easier to stay at home or go out with your friends. Why should I live to other people's expectations and not only my own? If I love eating I should be able to eat. If I am comfortable with my weight I should be able to stay this way. If I don't like exercising I shouldn't have to.

Except none of it's true. Sure I feel comfortable eating whatever eating whatever I want and not exercising but I am not comfortable with the consequences they represent.

- I am not comfortable with my weight.
- I am not comfortable with how I look with this weight.
- I am not comfortable not wearing whatever I want.
- I am not comfortable with how I feel when you don't exercise, lazy and depressed.
- I am not comfortable with people treating me differently because I am overweight (because this is a reality, people do not treat you the same when you are overweight).
- I am not comfortable with the insecurities being overweight brings you, like doubting a guy will like you because of your weight (and it happens, for various reasons, some understandable {I think even I've thought sometimes}, others not so much).
-  I am not comfortable with the health issues this weight will bring me in the future.
-  I am not comfortable with the health issues it already has brought me (like my knees hurting, or my ankles when I try to jog or the fact that it makes it harder for me to jog.
- I am not comfortable with how I look in pictures in my current weight.

Among other things I guess but these are the ones I can think of at the moment. 

Ever since I decided to do this bet I have visualized myself winning. I have never ever pictured myself losing. When I've told other people about it they ask why did you do it? That's a lot of money! I know it's a lot of money but for me it's not really about the money, it's about proving myself I can win. I can dedicate myself to this for long enough to win this bet and not only this bet but to change the rest of my life.

Understanding that the food I love is not something I am giving up and exercise isn't something I am forced to do. But I am making sacrifices so I can have it all. So I can feel comfortable with how I look, feel and my health as well.

Sacrifices cause discomfort, but they are worth it. Life is full of things we sometimes have to do for other positive things to come along.

Right now I may not be good at losing weight and I might consider it one of the struggles in my life, but that doesn't mean I will always fail at losing weight. Failing is part of life, you learn from it, you grow with it, it makes you stronger and more capable. Someday I will win. In fact, I feel like I am winning right this second. ;)

Hugs from Mexico,


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